Indifference

It's amazing how seeing Jerica's car at his house two days in a row makes me feel. I was angry, yesterday. Irritated, more likely. Today, a flash of so many emotions in less than a minute, I kinda thought I was crazy. Anger. Irritation. Hurt. Pain. Pity. PITY for him, because HE is so pathetic, that he can't figure out what a jackass he is.

He's not leading me on- he's made it clear that all he wants from me is friendship. He says he doesn't talk to me about the BS with her or whatever else bc he doesn't want to hurt me. He says he just has to get things figured out in his life before he can ever go "there" with me again.

WELL, you know what: I've been waiting for him to figure it out for a while now, and he's not growing up or improving himself- he keeps running back to someone (who isn't me) that cheats on him and makes him miserable after a week. For God's sake she was with someone else last week!

So FINE, I'm done waiting. I'm done pining, done loving and done generally giving a SHIT about that guy. I mean, seriously? He isn't that great. The only reason I kept running back to him was because it was comfortable, known. Now, he's a completely different person- someone I don't know. Someone who has sunk to deeper depths than I ever thought possible. He's done things- and continuing to do things- that make me realize just how different he is. I'm tempted to text him- to tell him exactly what I think. But what good would that do? None.

I've said it consistently for the past 3 months- and each time, it gets easier: I AM DONE. I don't want him in my life. I want it OVER.

My mom always said that if you want something bad enough, you can make it happen, as long as you work at it. For a long time- over a year- all I've wanted is him. Him to love me, him to want to be with me. But let's face it- he's been dating another girl for over a year, off & on. What does that make me: pathetic. I'm NOT a pathetic person. I'm a good person, with a good heart and good morals. Now, what I want is him gone. And this morning, maybe its a good morning for me. But this morning, I feel better than I have in a while. That is because I am INDIFFERENT.

And there's no going back now...

'Round and 'Round- they go again!

SO two weeks ago, my Friday night in Vegas, dumbass says (I know, I'm not supposed to be talking to him) to me that he and Jerica are done, yet again.. THIS time, I finally wisened up- I wouldn't let him tell me any details and I told him I didn't care. I also didn't sleep with him since then. I actually haven't slept with him in almost 5 weeks!! Yay, go me!

Anyway, I've been keeping my distance- after that 22 page letter I wrote him, it's been much easier. Thank GOD I finally listened to Steph and purged it all onto paper. I'm glad I did. Moreover, I'm glad I gave it to him. Of course, he didn't even have the respect for me to read it- his initial excuse was that he was sick. Then it was because he knows what's in there- I've told it all to him before. WhatEVER, Donnie Moore. No other stupid bitch is going to waste their time writing you a 22 page letter... it was more for me than for him, so of course I made a copy and kept it.

Anyway, since the letter, it's been easier. I don't want to be with him- look at the shit he's put me through! He doesn't care about me- so every time he tells me he loves me, just what is the damn point? I SO want to be over this- I want someone else in my life- someone else to think about.

I'm sick and freakin tired of people telling me that in order to meet someone new, I have to stop looking or that I have to get over Donnie.

Well guess fuckin what?: the only way I'm ever going to get over Donnie Moore is to move on. I once told the supremely attractive Jonny Henderson that the only way to get over an old love is to get under a new one. I need to get under someone, that's for sure... I'm not a slut- I don't enjoy random hookups- it's not satisfying to me. I've both been there and done that- I would MUCH rather have a 'friends with benefits' situation going on- or even casual dating. Oh who the hell am I kidding? I want someone to want me back. That's all.

And as far as 'stop looking'- what the hell does that mean? I'm not an aggressive person- I enjoy meeting new people and making new friends and doing different things... I have yet to meet one person in the last six months to even perk my interest. Stop looking? Then how am I going to find anyone? AND why isn't anyone interested in me?

That is a question I have asked myself (and many close friends) many times over the course of my single stature: why doesn't anyone approach me? Am I not attractive? I'm I not appealing to the opposite sex? I just don't get it. Maybe I will start a poll... ask random people what they find INattractive about me, so that way I can fix it and meet someone! BUT seriously- I've lost almost 30 lbs since January 7th, I've never been ugly (does anyone actually think they are ugly? maybe I AM ugly, and that's why...).

Additionally, even when he's trying to be nice to me, Donnie is always unsuccessful- every word that comes out of his mouth is double-edged. Like he said to me not to long ago: "you're a pretty girl" WTF does that mean? like not good enough to say hot? or what? I mean, what do I have to do in order to be considered hot- or at least compliemented as attractive? I'm seriously on the verge of going on a coke binge... yeah right, like I would ever do drugs... it's a thought, though. I mean, what else can I do? WHAT is going to make guys like me?

Maybe it's my personality. I'm nice. Donnie clearly doesn't like nice- maybe no one does. Nice girls DO finish last. So does that mean I have to be a bitch? Because try as I might, I'm not that good at it. SO who should I ask these questions to? I mean, who will be honest enough with me to say: "you're just not attractive" or "you'll never be more that just pretty". I want to be. I want to be the hot girl in the room. What is it going to take?

Without knowing what I'm doing wrong, how can I fix it? Therefore, I can't get fucking retard boy out of my head long enough to find someone else. Or rather, "not" look. How can I not look? I don't freakin jump on every man that walks into a room- I don't drool or make a spectacle of myself. So how is it that everyone can say "stop looking"?

I've done more for myself over the past year than ever before. I like my life, overall. The only real obstacle I currently face is Donnie Moore. And extracting him from my life. I want to- I want him GONE! I miss him- I miss our friendship, our inside jokes, our random chatter- ever single day. But he doesn't love me. Probably never did. No way would someone who loves me treat me this way- it's just insane! In order to believe in love, I have to acknowledge that what I had with him, it wasn't ever love. Love is supposed to be wonderful- warm, safe & full of hope. That's not what we had. So why doesn't he just get the hell out of my head?

On Monday, I made a smartass comment to Cathy to the effect of: "yeah, it's an even week, so that means they'll be getting back together". Smartass though I am, I'm NOT a dumbass- and that's exactly what happened again. Look guys- Donnies back with Jerica SLUT Peters! Funny. Actually, I called him out on it earlier this week, and he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. Seriously- he hasn't spent a single night at his house this entire week, except for tonight. And tonight, guess what? Jerica's vehicle is in his driveway. I'm not a damn stalker: I have to freakin drive by his house EVERY time I leave my neighborhood...so yea, I know when he's home and when he isn't. And my frequent late night trips to the gym have proven that he has not been home. And you know he's in bed by 9, so when his vehicle isn't there, he's with slutface...How amusing. And so it begins agin. What's really funny is that I wish her no ill will. Granted, the more shit-talking I hear her doing, the more I want to commit sadistic acts of violence against her, but for getting back with Donnie, well that's just her issue...

What I want to know is: do they not care about anything? I mean, he makes a complete ass out of himself with this every two week breakup thing. Seriously- it's just pathetic at this point. Purely and simply: pathetic. The Donnie Moore I knew had balls. If I had EVER treated him the way he portrays her treatment of him, I would have been on my ass in a hot minute. No way to know, of course, whether or not he is actually being truthful or just opening his mouth & letting the bullshit come out...

Not only does he not care about what any one thinks, but he acts like he has his shit together... did he forget that his mom loves me and I can know whatever I want to know about him whenever I want to know about it? Seriously? Dude, yeah, you totally have your shit together- you've had your MOM make your last three house payments for you because you have no money. Oh wait, you sure do have the money to take your girlfriend out. But yes, everyone, I'm the financially irresponsible one. I'm the one who couldn't get their shit together. MAYBE if he had just taken a little of the advice that he tried to lump onto me, he would be a little better off... Do I have my own home? No. BUT I'm not the one saying that I'm gonna buy this, that & the other like I'm a fuckin big shot, either. SO funny. And even though it is evil and mean and kinda cruel: I hope he does lose his ass. I hope he goes through seven different kinds of hell, only to come to the realization that he let the best thing he had going for him slip right though his fingers. I may not know what I need to do right now, but I'm biding my time & waiting to meet a guy- one that will prove once and for all that Donnie Moore was just a waste of my time.

I want to finish this breakup with our breakup once and for all. So yet again, I'm going to do my best not to communicate with him in any way, shape or form. And avidly hate him otherwise.