Indifference

It's amazing how seeing Jerica's car at his house two days in a row makes me feel. I was angry, yesterday. Irritated, more likely. Today, a flash of so many emotions in less than a minute, I kinda thought I was crazy. Anger. Irritation. Hurt. Pain. Pity. PITY for him, because HE is so pathetic, that he can't figure out what a jackass he is.

He's not leading me on- he's made it clear that all he wants from me is friendship. He says he doesn't talk to me about the BS with her or whatever else bc he doesn't want to hurt me. He says he just has to get things figured out in his life before he can ever go "there" with me again.

WELL, you know what: I've been waiting for him to figure it out for a while now, and he's not growing up or improving himself- he keeps running back to someone (who isn't me) that cheats on him and makes him miserable after a week. For God's sake she was with someone else last week!

So FINE, I'm done waiting. I'm done pining, done loving and done generally giving a SHIT about that guy. I mean, seriously? He isn't that great. The only reason I kept running back to him was because it was comfortable, known. Now, he's a completely different person- someone I don't know. Someone who has sunk to deeper depths than I ever thought possible. He's done things- and continuing to do things- that make me realize just how different he is. I'm tempted to text him- to tell him exactly what I think. But what good would that do? None.

I've said it consistently for the past 3 months- and each time, it gets easier: I AM DONE. I don't want him in my life. I want it OVER.

My mom always said that if you want something bad enough, you can make it happen, as long as you work at it. For a long time- over a year- all I've wanted is him. Him to love me, him to want to be with me. But let's face it- he's been dating another girl for over a year, off & on. What does that make me: pathetic. I'm NOT a pathetic person. I'm a good person, with a good heart and good morals. Now, what I want is him gone. And this morning, maybe its a good morning for me. But this morning, I feel better than I have in a while. That is because I am INDIFFERENT.

And there's no going back now...

'Round and 'Round- they go again!

SO two weeks ago, my Friday night in Vegas, dumbass says (I know, I'm not supposed to be talking to him) to me that he and Jerica are done, yet again.. THIS time, I finally wisened up- I wouldn't let him tell me any details and I told him I didn't care. I also didn't sleep with him since then. I actually haven't slept with him in almost 5 weeks!! Yay, go me!

Anyway, I've been keeping my distance- after that 22 page letter I wrote him, it's been much easier. Thank GOD I finally listened to Steph and purged it all onto paper. I'm glad I did. Moreover, I'm glad I gave it to him. Of course, he didn't even have the respect for me to read it- his initial excuse was that he was sick. Then it was because he knows what's in there- I've told it all to him before. WhatEVER, Donnie Moore. No other stupid bitch is going to waste their time writing you a 22 page letter... it was more for me than for him, so of course I made a copy and kept it.

Anyway, since the letter, it's been easier. I don't want to be with him- look at the shit he's put me through! He doesn't care about me- so every time he tells me he loves me, just what is the damn point? I SO want to be over this- I want someone else in my life- someone else to think about.

I'm sick and freakin tired of people telling me that in order to meet someone new, I have to stop looking or that I have to get over Donnie.

Well guess fuckin what?: the only way I'm ever going to get over Donnie Moore is to move on. I once told the supremely attractive Jonny Henderson that the only way to get over an old love is to get under a new one. I need to get under someone, that's for sure... I'm not a slut- I don't enjoy random hookups- it's not satisfying to me. I've both been there and done that- I would MUCH rather have a 'friends with benefits' situation going on- or even casual dating. Oh who the hell am I kidding? I want someone to want me back. That's all.

And as far as 'stop looking'- what the hell does that mean? I'm not an aggressive person- I enjoy meeting new people and making new friends and doing different things... I have yet to meet one person in the last six months to even perk my interest. Stop looking? Then how am I going to find anyone? AND why isn't anyone interested in me?

That is a question I have asked myself (and many close friends) many times over the course of my single stature: why doesn't anyone approach me? Am I not attractive? I'm I not appealing to the opposite sex? I just don't get it. Maybe I will start a poll... ask random people what they find INattractive about me, so that way I can fix it and meet someone! BUT seriously- I've lost almost 30 lbs since January 7th, I've never been ugly (does anyone actually think they are ugly? maybe I AM ugly, and that's why...).

Additionally, even when he's trying to be nice to me, Donnie is always unsuccessful- every word that comes out of his mouth is double-edged. Like he said to me not to long ago: "you're a pretty girl" WTF does that mean? like not good enough to say hot? or what? I mean, what do I have to do in order to be considered hot- or at least compliemented as attractive? I'm seriously on the verge of going on a coke binge... yeah right, like I would ever do drugs... it's a thought, though. I mean, what else can I do? WHAT is going to make guys like me?

Maybe it's my personality. I'm nice. Donnie clearly doesn't like nice- maybe no one does. Nice girls DO finish last. So does that mean I have to be a bitch? Because try as I might, I'm not that good at it. SO who should I ask these questions to? I mean, who will be honest enough with me to say: "you're just not attractive" or "you'll never be more that just pretty". I want to be. I want to be the hot girl in the room. What is it going to take?

Without knowing what I'm doing wrong, how can I fix it? Therefore, I can't get fucking retard boy out of my head long enough to find someone else. Or rather, "not" look. How can I not look? I don't freakin jump on every man that walks into a room- I don't drool or make a spectacle of myself. So how is it that everyone can say "stop looking"?

I've done more for myself over the past year than ever before. I like my life, overall. The only real obstacle I currently face is Donnie Moore. And extracting him from my life. I want to- I want him GONE! I miss him- I miss our friendship, our inside jokes, our random chatter- ever single day. But he doesn't love me. Probably never did. No way would someone who loves me treat me this way- it's just insane! In order to believe in love, I have to acknowledge that what I had with him, it wasn't ever love. Love is supposed to be wonderful- warm, safe & full of hope. That's not what we had. So why doesn't he just get the hell out of my head?

On Monday, I made a smartass comment to Cathy to the effect of: "yeah, it's an even week, so that means they'll be getting back together". Smartass though I am, I'm NOT a dumbass- and that's exactly what happened again. Look guys- Donnies back with Jerica SLUT Peters! Funny. Actually, I called him out on it earlier this week, and he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. Seriously- he hasn't spent a single night at his house this entire week, except for tonight. And tonight, guess what? Jerica's vehicle is in his driveway. I'm not a damn stalker: I have to freakin drive by his house EVERY time I leave my neighborhood...so yea, I know when he's home and when he isn't. And my frequent late night trips to the gym have proven that he has not been home. And you know he's in bed by 9, so when his vehicle isn't there, he's with slutface...How amusing. And so it begins agin. What's really funny is that I wish her no ill will. Granted, the more shit-talking I hear her doing, the more I want to commit sadistic acts of violence against her, but for getting back with Donnie, well that's just her issue...

What I want to know is: do they not care about anything? I mean, he makes a complete ass out of himself with this every two week breakup thing. Seriously- it's just pathetic at this point. Purely and simply: pathetic. The Donnie Moore I knew had balls. If I had EVER treated him the way he portrays her treatment of him, I would have been on my ass in a hot minute. No way to know, of course, whether or not he is actually being truthful or just opening his mouth & letting the bullshit come out...

Not only does he not care about what any one thinks, but he acts like he has his shit together... did he forget that his mom loves me and I can know whatever I want to know about him whenever I want to know about it? Seriously? Dude, yeah, you totally have your shit together- you've had your MOM make your last three house payments for you because you have no money. Oh wait, you sure do have the money to take your girlfriend out. But yes, everyone, I'm the financially irresponsible one. I'm the one who couldn't get their shit together. MAYBE if he had just taken a little of the advice that he tried to lump onto me, he would be a little better off... Do I have my own home? No. BUT I'm not the one saying that I'm gonna buy this, that & the other like I'm a fuckin big shot, either. SO funny. And even though it is evil and mean and kinda cruel: I hope he does lose his ass. I hope he goes through seven different kinds of hell, only to come to the realization that he let the best thing he had going for him slip right though his fingers. I may not know what I need to do right now, but I'm biding my time & waiting to meet a guy- one that will prove once and for all that Donnie Moore was just a waste of my time.

I want to finish this breakup with our breakup once and for all. So yet again, I'm going to do my best not to communicate with him in any way, shape or form. And avidly hate him otherwise.

Quotes about Breakups

"I'm fine. Not that I'm over it, but little by little, it's getting easier to pretend that it's easier. So that must mean that easier is right around the corner." - Lorelai Gilmore, Gilmore Girls

"There are things that we don't want to happen that we have to accept;
things we don't want to know but have to learn;
people that we don't want to have to learn to live without... that we have to let go." - JJ, Criminal Minds

Being Single

Some days, I like it. Other days, I hate it.
OR on days like today- I hated realizing I was the only single person going to a birthday dinner, along with 7 other couples. But then I realized I LIKE being single when considering that I have a date tomorrow, but was also just made aware that a group of my 4 single friends is going to Helen's tomorrow night to watch a band I love... and I can't go because I committed to this date. Dammit!
Now, the question is: do I bail on the date and go out with my girls to the #1 singles bar in STL, or honor my commitment to the guy & keep the date, even though I don't know how interested I am... decisions, decisions...

Valentines Day

I sit here, trying to focus on Derivatives of Logarithmic Functions, when it dawns on me: Valentine's Day is Monday. And not only is it Valentine's Day, but it's Donnie's birthday. This (from my last blog post) I already new.

What I did not consider is Donnie's extreme desire to be married/engaged by the end of the year. He's going to propose on Valentines Day. OMIGOD! Why did I never consider this before? Oh yes, because I refused to let him buy me anything ever for V-day bc it was his birthday. I know that skanky bitch won't sacrifice the ONE girl's holiday for his birthday. Holy Shit!

Ordinarily, I wouldn't think that, right? But it would be just like him to propose to her. How awful. Then I wouldn't be right about them, then would I? What if it actually happens? What if he really plans on marrying her? Are you fucking kidding me? But it's entirely possible. He's impulsive, and he wants so badly to have that happily ever after with her- ya know, bc I wasn't good enough... UGH and it's 2am, so no one is awake to talk me down out of this tizzy I have gotten myself into. So help me God if he proposes to her, I will go ballistic. Seriously- Jerica Peters? He has to know how stupid that would be, right? Oh, he must not... otherwise, he wouldn't keep going back to her.

Ok, so even right now, taking a step back & looking at the situation: I know that he is not good enough for me. I know this, right? Yes. MOM said so- over 8 years ago, she said it. And of course, she was right. Therefore, I don't need to care about him. Or care about whether or not he's going to propose to the slut in 4 days. So why do I care? Oh, wait- its because I love him & can't make that go away. Yes I can. I will. but what if he proposes?

Today is Another Day

It's amazing how some days, you can listen to a song that you've heard a hundred times before and realize it can mean something different, when you are in a place such as the one I am in.
Today, it was a Nickelback song. Two days ago, it was that Kellie Pickler song. (because you know, no matter how happy he is TODAY with slutface, next week he'll probably remember that she treats him like shit and cheats on him... and therefore, his days with ME were the best of his life).

I also realized today how much absolute HATRED I can have for him. I know that this means I once had a great love for him, because without great love, I could not possibly have this much hate. I know that if I hold on to it, the hatred will eat away at me. It does to everyone, eventually. Hate is the most toxic of emotions- and it only damages the beholder.

But right now, that hate keeps me going- it keeps me from questioning myself- asking WHY her, why not me? SERIOUSLY? Seriously- I'm upset that some has-been chose Jerica Peters over me? That's low. I mean, seriously. Just last Friday, I saw a picture of her on FB and HAD to send it to a friend, because it was JUST so amusing that he loves her but couldn't love me. She said "stop comparing the incomparable". She was right. No WAY can I compare anything about myself to Jerica fucking Peters. Her aspiration in life? - to become an LPN. wow- cute! My aspiration in life? -to become a certified architect. She might be skinnier than me- God knows how much I've struggled with my weight issues my entire life (and of course, it doesn't help that when we were together, Donnie made no qualms about telling me I needed to get into shape. He also had no qualms about telling me multiple times how much that slut made fun of my weight.) Anyway, point in fact: I may be bigger that her, but I can lose weight- she'll always be ugly...

I know, I shouldn't waste my time thinking about him- I know he isn't wasting any time thinking about me. It's like I told his mom today- he may as well be dead to me. He'll realize it, eventually, of course. But then it will be too late. Anything from 2/4 on is too late.
His birthday is in 4 days- I wonder if he will notice that I don't wish him well on that day- or if he will care. Scratch that- he doesn't even deserve to think about me. He deserves to know what it's like to realize he let someone great go- and suffer the consequences.

Another thought- I was asked if him buying me a ring, proposing to me- if that was going to be enough. If I would be happy with that. Once I considered it, I realized- no, him proposing to me wouldn't be real- even if he thought he meant it. He's a pathetic, dependent boy, who runs to me every time his slut dumps him. I deserve more than being the girl that waits for that piece of shit. I deserve to be more than a backup, a safety net.

Give it time, people... they may be sending lovey messages on facebook right now- about how much they miss each other- but let's face it, their wonderful "relationship" has a typical shelf life of about 2-3 weeks. Week one is almost over.... tick, tick, tick....

Backstory

I've loved the same guy since I was 15.
In the beginning, back when we were just kids, he chased me- persistently. He wanted ME- I wasn't really interested in him. I let him into my life, allowed him to be my friend. I went to prom with him- making clear that he knew it was just a "friends" thing.
And them at some point, my feelings changed. I fell in love.
Of course, as the story typically goes, it was great. There was drama (duh- we were in high school), there was heartache, there was love.

Regardless, we fell out of love. Several years into our relationship, I realized that I wasn't happy. I loved him, but didn't think I was IN love with him. So I left. I moved out and tried to move on. But of course, I couldn't get him out of my head- he was everywhere- he was my whole life for almost 7 years, and then it was over.
So I moved- to Oklahoma of all places! 500 miles from my friends, my job, but most of all: him. In that time, I dealt with him telling me he was in love with his new girlfriend. This was, of course, after he denied being involved with anyone. I still loved him. I was STILL in love with him. And I listened to it- because I NEEDED him in my life. He was my very best friend- he knew every little inside joke, every little comment that made my life- he was still involved.

Still in Oklahoma, I didn't date, not really anyway. I didn't adjust well socially to the move. Then one day in January, he called me upset because this girl that he loved dumped him (for her husband, no less...) And yet again, I listened. Every single word ripped me inside and out, but I listened.
Shortly thereafter, he started mentioning a new girl. Because, you know, I still NEEDED him in my life. (We still talked damn near every day- via phone or text. Every. Single. Day. Seriously- every day, definately since I was 16- that's a long time!) I kinda laughed, because this girl- I knew her. I went to high school with her, and I was actually shocked that he would even consider dating her. So I asked him about her- and he denied them being together (seeing a theme? I did.) Until the very next week, when of course, I learned through FACEBOOK that they were an official couple.
I came back to visit for my birthday a couple months later. Some stupid drunken thought ended up with me sleeping with him. Call me what you want- I didn't care who he was dating- he was MINE. The love of MY life. So I didn't care!

Then I decided to move back to Missouri. At that time, I was okay with him. I felt like I was moving past him. And I dated a bit- partied a lot- and resumed sleeping with him. All the while, I was telling myself that it was ok, it was a "mutually beneficial relationship". After all, I enjoy sex. And so we had sex- lots of it. In fact, we didn't make it a whole week the entire summer without sleeping together. Oh yeah, except for the week and a half that he moved this girl into the home we bought together 5 years ago. Yep, during that time, I would barely talk to him, much less sleep with him. Of course, then they broke up (yet again), and he told her to move out.

Is that where the cycle started? I don't know. But I definately remember that break up for them. I was at the house the next day. Does that make me pathetic? I was glad they broke up. Not because I don't want him happy, but because she was a whore who treated him like crap!

Nevertheless, sometime mid-summer, the cycle of them breaking up and him running to me started. They would be good for like what, three weeks? Then they would fight, and he would talk to me every day- texts constantly. Whatever.
This continued into the fall. Same cycle, different month. In retrospect, how freakin pathetic was I? I let this BS go on for so long! Then, right before Thanksgiving, things began to change.
We started eating dinner together, almost every night. General hanging out. The sex continued, of course. The hanging out, dinners, almost constant contact continued for weeks...

Then Chrismas happened. I spent all Christmas day with him, and his family (I can explain why later). Christmas evening, a group of family & friends went to the local bar. I walked in, flanked by his sister, his mother, everyone else: only to see him at the bar with her. "Her" being the slut "ex" who he, ya know, wasn't seeing & hated.
Great Chrismas present, huh? SO they got back together and I blew up at him- and that's the first time I told him that I didn't want to see him ever again. And I stuck by my statement. For 9 days, I refused to talk to him & refused his texts. Then he texted me 187 times one day, and I gave in.
Begin the cycle again, Katie. So, after keeping him at length for a couple weeks, I let him back in. I let him back into my heart, dammit! Only to have them break up and him come running back to me.

And here I am again- well WAS. After they broke up again like 2 weeks ago, he resumed his typical BS. And I kept him at length, which is when he started with the BIGGER BS of telling me that he loves me- that he thinks, every day, about buying me a ring and asking me to marry him. Why did I believe him? Why did I listen to him? When the pattern he's had me in has been consistent for the past several months?
Because, guess what? I walked into a different bar on 2/4 and HELLO: there's the slut and my X again. Go freakin figure. What an idiot.

I put on my mom: I will NOT talk to him again. I still have some things in the storage shed at our house, which I can't wait to extract. I'M DONE.