Indifference

It's amazing how seeing Jerica's car at his house two days in a row makes me feel. I was angry, yesterday. Irritated, more likely. Today, a flash of so many emotions in less than a minute, I kinda thought I was crazy. Anger. Irritation. Hurt. Pain. Pity. PITY for him, because HE is so pathetic, that he can't figure out what a jackass he is.

He's not leading me on- he's made it clear that all he wants from me is friendship. He says he doesn't talk to me about the BS with her or whatever else bc he doesn't want to hurt me. He says he just has to get things figured out in his life before he can ever go "there" with me again.

WELL, you know what: I've been waiting for him to figure it out for a while now, and he's not growing up or improving himself- he keeps running back to someone (who isn't me) that cheats on him and makes him miserable after a week. For God's sake she was with someone else last week!

So FINE, I'm done waiting. I'm done pining, done loving and done generally giving a SHIT about that guy. I mean, seriously? He isn't that great. The only reason I kept running back to him was because it was comfortable, known. Now, he's a completely different person- someone I don't know. Someone who has sunk to deeper depths than I ever thought possible. He's done things- and continuing to do things- that make me realize just how different he is. I'm tempted to text him- to tell him exactly what I think. But what good would that do? None.

I've said it consistently for the past 3 months- and each time, it gets easier: I AM DONE. I don't want him in my life. I want it OVER.

My mom always said that if you want something bad enough, you can make it happen, as long as you work at it. For a long time- over a year- all I've wanted is him. Him to love me, him to want to be with me. But let's face it- he's been dating another girl for over a year, off & on. What does that make me: pathetic. I'm NOT a pathetic person. I'm a good person, with a good heart and good morals. Now, what I want is him gone. And this morning, maybe its a good morning for me. But this morning, I feel better than I have in a while. That is because I am INDIFFERENT.

And there's no going back now...