It's amazing how some days, you can listen to a song that you've heard a hundred times before and realize it can mean something different, when you are in a place such as the one I am in.
Today, it was a Nickelback song. Two days ago, it was that Kellie Pickler song. (because you know, no matter how happy he is TODAY with slutface, next week he'll probably remember that she treats him like shit and cheats on him... and therefore, his days with ME were the best of his life).
I also realized today how much absolute HATRED I can have for him. I know that this means I once had a great love for him, because without great love, I could not possibly have this much hate. I know that if I hold on to it, the hatred will eat away at me. It does to everyone, eventually. Hate is the most toxic of emotions- and it only damages the beholder.
But right now, that hate keeps me going- it keeps me from questioning myself- asking WHY her, why not me? SERIOUSLY? Seriously- I'm upset that some has-been chose Jerica Peters over me? That's low. I mean, seriously. Just last Friday, I saw a picture of her on FB and HAD to send it to a friend, because it was JUST so amusing that he loves her but couldn't love me. She said "stop comparing the incomparable". She was right. No WAY can I compare anything about myself to Jerica fucking Peters. Her aspiration in life? - to become an LPN. wow- cute! My aspiration in life? -to become a certified architect. She might be skinnier than me- God knows how much I've struggled with my weight issues my entire life (and of course, it doesn't help that when we were together, Donnie made no qualms about telling me I needed to get into shape. He also had no qualms about telling me multiple times how much that slut made fun of my weight.) Anyway, point in fact: I may be bigger that her, but I can lose weight- she'll always be ugly...
I know, I shouldn't waste my time thinking about him- I know he isn't wasting any time thinking about me. It's like I told his mom today- he may as well be dead to me. He'll realize it, eventually, of course. But then it will be too late. Anything from 2/4 on is too late.
His birthday is in 4 days- I wonder if he will notice that I don't wish him well on that day- or if he will care. Scratch that- he doesn't even deserve to think about me. He deserves to know what it's like to realize he let someone great go- and suffer the consequences.
Another thought- I was asked if him buying me a ring, proposing to me- if that was going to be enough. If I would be happy with that. Once I considered it, I realized- no, him proposing to me wouldn't be real- even if he thought he meant it. He's a pathetic, dependent boy, who runs to me every time his slut dumps him. I deserve more than being the girl that waits for that piece of shit. I deserve to be more than a backup, a safety net.
Give it time, people... they may be sending lovey messages on facebook right now- about how much they miss each other- but let's face it, their wonderful "relationship" has a typical shelf life of about 2-3 weeks. Week one is almost over.... tick, tick, tick....
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